Like any couple deciding to get married, when Scott and I got engaged, we knew we wanted a family. Two, maybe even three kids. I love kids. I taught preschool for years, and often said it was the best job ever. I got to play with playdough all day long. What could be better?
A year after we got married, we moved to Korea. The plan was to be gone for a year. We thought it was the perfect opportunity to do some travelling before we settled down and started having children. Well the one year turned into three years. At this point, we loved the Expat life that children got thrown on the backburner. In fact, we were thinking maybe only having one. And that was a maybe.
After a few years in Tanzania, we realised this would be our new home. We had a lot of mates with children and realised we did in fact want children. But now, many years had passed, and the idea of three kids didn't seem realistic. We were back down to one or two.
Once we made the decision, we were excited. We knew it would probably take a year to get pregnant, so we never focused on that. Four months later, April 1st, 2005 at midnight, I was being rolled into surgery. I had a twin ectopic. My tube had erupted. I had never heard of an ectopic pregnancy before, and couldn't understand how it happened since I didn't even know I was pregnant.
It seemed the dream of having children had come to an end.
The saying that God has a plan is true.
Six months later, we learnt we were expecting Ethan.
Thrilled is an understatement.
I always call Ethan my miracle baby. It seems that may have more meaning than I believed.
Since Ethan's birth, we've tried for another. We've had a few miscarriages. As Ethan gets older, the age difference also grows. Is it time to throw in the towel?
This past week, my little cousin came to visit. She's 11. Which means there's a 6 year age difference between her and Ethan. We went out for lunch, went to the mall, played at home. She gave me an idea of what life would be like in 5 years, if we were to have another. She's great with Ethan. Except when she disappeared and Ethan followed her. Has anyone seen the children? I would often say. But it was great. And made me realise how much I want another.
So here's the thing. We're not pregnant. And I'm beginning to loose faith. I've got mates who have had 2 or 3 and are trying for 3 or 4. They're not as old as I am, so you know they'll be blessed. And that pisses me off. I love them dearly, but why do they get the chance for a third or fourth when we can't have a second?
Let's face it. As much as I like to think I'm 32, I'm not. And I'm not getting any younger. We haven't been able to keep a pregnancy since Ethan was born. So, it it time to throw in the towel? Do we give up the dream? I love my family of three. But can I accept that that's all we'll ever be?
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