Saturday, January 21, 2012

Time to Throw in the Towel?

Like any couple deciding to get married, when Scott and I got engaged, we knew we wanted a family. Two, maybe even three kids. I love kids. I taught preschool for years, and often said it was the best job ever. I got to play with playdough all day long. What could be better?

A year after we got married, we moved to Korea. The plan was to be gone for a year. We thought it was the perfect opportunity to do some travelling before we settled down and started having children. Well the one year turned into three years. At this point, we loved the Expat life that children got thrown on the backburner. In fact, we were thinking maybe only having one. And that was a maybe.

After a few years in Tanzania, we realised this would be our new home. We had a lot of mates with children and realised we did in fact want children. But now, many years had passed, and the idea of three kids didn't seem realistic. We were back down to one or two.

Once we made the decision, we were excited. We knew it would probably take a year to get pregnant, so we never focused on that. Four months later, April 1st, 2005 at midnight, I was being rolled into surgery. I had a twin ectopic. My tube had erupted. I had never heard of an ectopic pregnancy before, and couldn't understand how it happened since I didn't even know I was pregnant.

It seemed the dream of having children had come to an end. 

The saying that God has a plan is true.

Six months later, we learnt we were expecting Ethan.

Thrilled is an understatement. 

I always call Ethan my miracle baby. It seems that may have more meaning than I believed.

Since Ethan's birth, we've tried for another. We've had a few miscarriages. As Ethan gets older, the age difference also grows. Is it time to throw in the towel?

This past week, my little cousin came to visit. She's 11. Which means there's a 6 year age difference between her and Ethan. We went out for lunch, went to the mall, played at home. She gave me an idea of what life would be like in 5 years, if we were to have another. She's great with Ethan. Except when she disappeared and Ethan followed her. Has anyone seen the children? I would often say. But it was great. And made me realise how much I want another.

So here's the thing. We're not pregnant. And I'm beginning to loose faith. I've got mates who have had 2 or 3 and are trying for 3 or 4. They're not as old as I am, so you know they'll be blessed. And that pisses me off. I love them dearly, but why do they get the chance for a third or fourth when we can't have a second? 

Let's face it. As much as I like to think I'm 32, I'm not. And I'm not getting any younger. We haven't been able to keep a pregnancy since Ethan was born. So, it it time to throw in the towel? Do we give up the dream? I love my family of three. But can I accept that that's all we'll ever be?


Sue said...

Your post is a poignant one, and while this has not been my issue, I have certainly been in circumstances where I didn't know what was "meant to be."

In those times when inspiration gave me the answer, I was glad to be out of the dark and in the know. Those other times, when I was left guessing, I seemed to do best when I just got out of the way and let life play out as it was meant to, doing my utmost to be open and accepting of whatever the Lord had in mind for me.

It isn't easy, but I've learned one thing. He can be trusted. And knowing that is the most comforting thing imaginable.

All will be well, Tima. Whatever happens.


PS. And just because you aren't in control doesn't mean you can't keep hoping. (I will hope with you.)

Karen Mortensen said...

I really liked what Sue said. So amen to that.
I have been in a situation similar to yours. I had a son in 1989. I found out about 2 years later that he had Fragile X. (genetic) I "gave" it to him. When I found this out, I had to decide what to do. For me the answer was not to have any more and go on with life. That was a hard pill to swallow but the Lord helped a lot with that. I just got to a point where I gave it to God. It has helped and I know he is guiding my life.
I hope that you will be comforted and know what they right thing for you is. Keep the faith.

Darlene said...

Oh Tima, I can so relate. We were married for almost six years wanting a baby so badly that I could hardly stand it. I got so that I dreaded going to baby showers because I would always end up in tears. My father in law made it possible for us to adopt a baby as a friend of his friend was pregnant and had come to California to have her baby adopted through Catholic Charities. He told her that she absolutely couldn't do that and that she must give it to us. We paid for all her medical expenses and spent a grueling 6 months after she was born praying that she wouldn't change her mind'

She was only three days old when we brough her home from the hospital. After six months it was all legal and she was truly ours.

She was only eight months old when I got pregnant!! Sue and her older sister are only 17 months apart in age. I relaxed then, thinking how fortunate I was to have two. Then six years after Sue was born, I got prenant again and had another girl. My wonderful Obstetrician was doing some great work in fertilization, which had just barely started at that time. He told me that the best time to try to get pregant is shortly after a birth because most women tend to be more fertile at that time. We decided to try to have more as initially we wanted to have a large family. His method worked and two years later we had another girl, and after two years more, we had our boy!! So, my advice is, don't give up. If you both find out how fertile you are (your husband too, because that was one of our big problems, his sperm count was low and I only ovulated about every three months ) It is amazing how a good fertility doctor can help you. A good one will try all the easy fixes first, so they aren't very expensive as some of the later attempts are.

So, relax and never give up hope. There are many things you could try and tests will help to know.